This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
