She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Best friends brother. Beat that.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
