Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
