Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
