he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
