ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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