He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
