Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
