My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
