"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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