i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
