it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Found your dick twin last night
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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