Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I wish you could order shots online.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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