I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
