theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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