Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
