So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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