then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize