If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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