i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
