An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
