does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
