I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
