Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
