Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize