she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
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