She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
