Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
