There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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