ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
