Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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