I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
