I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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