he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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