I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
