Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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