Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
