so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
