I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
