Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Randomize
