meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
