So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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