True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
