we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
