My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize