I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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