Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
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