saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
