Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
