i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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