apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
