i don't like sucking hair
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
