Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
