shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Randomize
