When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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