i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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