i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
