i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
