I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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