YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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