I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
We are two peas in an std pod
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Randomize
